i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
