On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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