On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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