She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
