so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
