She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
