Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
