It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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