i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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