THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
