I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
