God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
