So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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