she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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