just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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