First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
