Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
