Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
