It's Friday. Sex?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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