I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
