I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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