So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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