i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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