My cat gives me a boner
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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