If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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