My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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