True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
