i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
