His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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