they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
