i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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