Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I need moral support for this bender
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
