piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
