You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
