I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
