why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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