I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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