I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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