At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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