It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
