John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
