Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And then he peed in my hair
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