I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
