I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
