I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
