You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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