I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
