Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
