I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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