i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
