He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
